Inside the mind of a child at heart...

And that’s exactly what I did! There is currently a rain storm outside, and it’s amazing. There’s rain and thunder. Hail and lightning. It’s like a bundled package. So, being the crazy person I am, went out and just stood there. Letting the rain fall on my face, each droplet trailing my cheek. I felt alive.

Because I am alive. All of my friends know there’s something wrong with me. I know there’s something wrong with me. But, nothing’s been official with doctors and all that jazz.

Like yesterday. Yesterday sucked. Badly. But I’m here typing this today so I guess it wasn’t as bad as it couldn’t been. That’s because of my friends though. — I planned everything out. I planned to say I needed a break. I planned to tweet out a “thank you” to all my friends on my rant account and then, before I decided to do it, to show it to them. So that it’d at least be a goodbye. So they’d know I tried and that I loved them with all my heart. That was the plan.

The plan got botched. Everyone panicked. Everyone was worried. I had hoped it wouldn’t end that way. I had hoped they wouldn’t notice it until later, but they did. It led into me practically bitching. I was angry at myself for putting them trough that hassle, and angry at them for not just letting me go. But, they were helping me. That’s what they’ve all done since becoming my friends. Helping me.

—

Back to the rain. Feeling that on my skin, watching it fall on my hands and my wrists, it was surreal. Unlike anything I’ve felt in awhile. It made me realize that, had I went through with my plan, I wouldn’t have felt the calmness rain.

I’ve made a plan in my head, and I’m hoping to follow through with it. I’ve said “I won’t fail this time” but ended up failing anyway.

I won’t try to leave again. I’m gonna try a new step into not self-harming anymore. I’m not saying I’ll stop instantly, but I’m going to try my hardest to never do it again.

I appreciate all my friends. They put up with my roller coaster emotions. They help me more than they know.

They’re the reason that I’m still here.

Mary, Erik wanted me to tell him a story about an adventure we’ve had in a magical kingdom….this is the story.

“So once upon a time, Mary and I were on this dark quest to slay a draculoid. All we had was a giant fork and sonic screwdriver. It was very hot wandering the desert, and Mary had remembered having some juice in her backpack. So we had to say “Backpack! Backpack!” for it to open. After we drank our juice we played tag for a bit until a drac shot at my leg. I poked the draculoid with the fork and sure enough it fell in shock and got dusted. After we saved the Killjoys, we stole the Trans AM and drove off into the sunset blasting “Zero Percent”.”

Now…I don’t know about you but, this is a bitchin’ story! ;D

Life is good and bad. I’ve come to realize this. Pondering things such as this is interesting, yet tiresome.

I have to admit my life’s always been good, whether my emotions lead me to believe otherwise. I was never really “grounded” and I didn’t get assigned “chores”. I got what I wanted, but if I didn’t I never acted like a baby. Sure I was disappointed, but not to the point of “throw a tantrum and see where that gets me” sort of thing.

So yeah, I guess I could say my life was good. My emotional status though, has been beaten and bruised. I’m not even sure why…the fighting and the drama. The scared feelings all the time. That’s just something natural to me. I’ve always been an easy crier. I cry under pressure, when I’m scared….the worst though is when there are arguments going on. I just cry very easily. It sucks. It makes me feel weak. It makes me /look/ weak. I hate it.

Memories though, those are Hell. Like, the time Mom packed our stuff and left after her and dad had been fighting, only to come back home and fight a note where he had left. I wasn’t sure he would come back. He got all the way in the next state before coming back. I’m glad he came back, cause I don’t know what I’d do without him. — It’s also like the time I made Mom mad….not mad, furious at me. She didn’t talk to me for 3 whole weeks. None, at all. It’s like I wasn’t even there. Hah! Even then I didn’t wanna be alive, and this was maybe 8 years ago. — Oh, maybe all the times my brother would decide to be an asshole. Like when he burned down the treehouse he was building for my niece and nephew out of anger. As I watched it burning, crying, screaming at him. Him screaming at me. — Sure, one would say that “that’s nothing compared to most people.” and yes, I’ll agree, but the trauma just those few things have caused me, it makes those memories cross my mind more than I’d like them too. When they invent a memory shredder, can someone let me know?

Ok, I’m finally gonna get the point of this post. What I had made this to talk about.

For years now I’ve wanted to leave. To just…go. Anywhere. Anywhere but here. I’m tired of /here/. Where each day I can’t escape. I’ve finally gotten sick of the drama, the fighting, my family. I mean, I love them to death, but I’be had enough. All I ever feel like is that I’m glue. I’m the glue that has held this family together. I’m also the middle-man. As in, I’m the one whose called to get information around. I hate it. I hate that more than anything. When something happens, I’m the one to turn to. — it’s not all its cracked up to be anymore. I’ve grown tired of everyone relying on me to always be there. To always deliver the news. To always ask the other person if, the person that asked me to ask them, can do something. Why can’t they ask them themselves? Because I’m the one that holds the family together. Because of they ask the person directly, a sly remark might be made or a facial expression that shouldn’t have occurred will set the other person off, and all Hell will break loose.

So I’ve come to the terms that I need to get away from here, and as quickly as possible. I wanna move to another state, I wanna start off new where no one will know me. No one will know my history unless they ask.

I’m just so tired of it all.

This might seem alarming, in a way it is, but I assure you I’m alright. These thoughts have just clouded my mind for the past 4 hours and I just needed to get them out.

If you took the time to actually read this shit then I applaud you. If you read half of it and said “Wow. This girl is a wimp. She’s pathetic…” well then, frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Ok so….here we go. In this post you will finally find out what’s been wrong with me. Why certain songs now make me cry. Why some days I don’t even feel like smiling. The whole thing.

First off, the main reason, Zeynep and I are no longer together, and even though I wish it wasn’t true, it is. She has a boyfriend now and i’m….in a mixture of jealousy, sadness, and heartbroken. I still love her with all of my heart, that will not change. I don’t get to talk to her anymore because she’s blocked off every way I could contact her. Twitter, Facebook, etc. I’m not necessarily mad at her, I’m just hurt that she didn’t tell me straight up what was going to happen. It was like a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from. — This happened on the 9th. Now the next thing I wanna say, hate me if you want I honestly don’t give a fuck, is the reason I didn’t tell any of you (Except for 2 people) was because I wasn’t about to, and still will not, tolerate with any shit you say about her. Let’s put it this way, you say shit about her and I see it, I will ground you like a pulp. I’m not kidding. Not even joking. I’m dead fucking serious. So yeah, just a fair warning.

Like I said, I’m hoping that something will change and things will go back to normal, but until then I’m happy she has someone who can actually be there for her in the ways that I couldn’t. Even though it hurts me everyday, I’m happy for her.

In other news, “feeling shitty” has been a part of my daily routine. I’m trying to cope. I’m trying to get through all this. It’s hard. Very hard. So yeah, I might be laughing, but I probably feel shitty.

Last thing I wanna say is I love you guys. A lot of you help me daily. You make me laugh and smile when I normally don’t want to and I appreciate it. I’m just going through a lot. Too much. More than I can take. But I’m still trying. Just know that I’m trying.

If you took the time to read this then thank you. It means a lot.

xø

For a whole week I’ve pretended to be fine. Because this is the Internet, it’s easy to fool everyone.

No one knows what is going through my head, except one person. That’s it. No one else is gonna know. Not for awhile at least.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care anymore. Simple as that. Only I am the one that knows I stay up longer than I should just to cry. 7 days of crying. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes late at night. 7 fucking days. I’m getting to the end. I’m getting to my breaking point. To the point where I go “Why the fuck should I care what happens to me?”.

I don’t know when this feeling will end. Just know I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

Just know I’m sorry, and I’m trying.

I’m truly sorry.

This is a topic I think about often…maybe too often. It’s one of those topics that I can push to the very back of my mind but one night I could be just thinking, about everything, and it comes back. It’s a silly worry. Or maybe it’s not silly.

We all make jokes about the end of the world, I’ve made them countless times. They’re funny. We laugh. It’s simple. But for me I take everything into consideration. — What if it’s true? What if it’s fake? What if I only have months to live? What will everyone do December 22nd? Will there be a December 22nd? — I believe only God knows when the world will end, if it does end at all. Hell, we could all be dead before that time comes. We wouldn’t know. It could be 100’s of years away. But there’s always that doubt that lingers. That forces you to believe this could be real.

So I always get torn. Should I worry? Of course I should worry. I’m in no way ready to die. Even though I have wished countless times I was dead, I don’t think I’d be ready to leave everything.

This is just another topic that I get into and start to have conversations with myself about. It’d odd, yes, but it’s something that never leaves my mind.

The world could end at any given time.

So my question is, are you ready?

comeatonceifconvienent asked: I forked that bitch. Bitches love forking.

Kskxkskxk I think I just died ahaha